


i should say and you should hear i've loved

by snuffleslove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-30
Updated: 2012-12-30
Packaged: 2017-11-23 01:06:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/616374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snuffleslove/pseuds/snuffleslove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which zayn pines, liam pines, louis's not amused, niall's disbelieving and harry's stuck in the middle, or in which harry yammers off about how good zayn is in bed (because he is ok), and gets him into a whole lot of trouble. (zayn/li endgame do i even i have to say that you know me)</p>
            </blockquote>





	i should say and you should hear i've loved

**Author's Note:**

  * For [biggrstaffbunch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/biggrstaffbunch/gifts).



> um hi, i haven't been here in awhile but that doesn't mean i haven't been writing, apparently! um, this started out as a prompt from jess who asked for zayn being incredibly, surprisingly good in bed and really embarrassed about it, and turned into something completely different (help), thanks to those who read this over, and especially to cass who helped me figure out it was worth posting, and bri who read it even though she's a harry stan and it broke her heart. oh yeah, and sorry that zayn sometimes speaks like he's been transported back to england in the 40s. i may or may not be watching too much downton abbey.
> 
> dedicated to the lovely [ruchi](http://whenwesee1D.tumblr.com) (psa: tumblr link, relevant. if you don't know her blog, know her blog, love her blog, live by her blog) for whom this was written (every angst filled moment is all her fault) it was lovely meeting you this year and having you crash at my place and you are so amazing for cheerleading all my projects and indulging all my zayn!centric rants and fandom stupidity hatred and love life problems. and also for watching almost two full bollywood movies with me. what a feat. this is for you aha ! :) Xx

being horny is kind of like being drunk, harry reasons to himself that night. and zayn is in his bed with his head in his lap, going on and on about he hasn't had one off in a really long time and harry _feels_ drunk - warm and fuzzy around the edges. so he kisses zayn (just a quiet peck on the lips because he's not _actually_ drunk) before he pulls away. 

zayn raises an eyebrow in a curious _what the fuck_ kind of way, so harry shoots him a grin that he hopes says _hey, what are mates for?_ zayn studies him for a bit from between long lashes, and then the creases in his forehead smooth out and the corner of his mouth crooks up slightly. so harry goes back to kissing him. 

zayn's lips are warm and full against him, providing the perfect amount of pressure and when harry parts his lips with his tongue zayn's curls around his in a way that sets off sparks in the pit of harry's belly. 

harry's kissed a lot of people before, but no one like this. zayn reaches up behind his neck to pull him down, and how he manages to rub circles right _there_ and lap into harry's mouth with his tongue at the same time is beyond harry but it's making him whimper until he pulls at zayn desperately, bringing them closer. 

zayn pulls back and smiles at harry, flushed, and then pushes harry back so that he's lying down. and the way that he touches harry, god it's like harry's something precious and breakable and harry's never been touched this way before and he's shuddering with the sensations of it, a small _please_ escaping his lips. 

zayn slides harry's boxers down effortlessly, running his hands up his thighs, scratching slightly at the insides. he runs bitten down nails down the creases of harry's groin and harry arches up, gasping into the touch. and then zayn follows his fingers with his tongue and harry full on moans, needs more. zayn kisses his head, tonguing at the slit and harry whimpers, overcome. zayn's tongue encircles him, playing softly down his shaft, licking and sucking. 

"fuck zayn, please," harry begs, eyes shut tight. zayn sucks him in slowly, moving down his shaft and relaxing his throat until he's buried in harry's curls and harry's hips stutter. 

"shit, sorry" he gasps but zayn just _hums_ around his cock and harry whimpers. zayn picks up the pace, sucking hard, focusing on the head, lips slick and pressure just right and -

"fuck, zayn i'm gonna -" zayn hums again, eyes opening to latch onto harry's and harry comes with a groan. he feels zayn's throat muscles work against him as zayn swallows cleanly, working him until harry comes down with a sigh. 

he crawls back up harry's body and harry pulls him down for a kiss. zayn's tongue slips into harry's mouth and harry can taste himself and he _moans_ against zayn's lips. 

harry feels completely out of his league but he reaches for zayn, pulling back so he can watch as zayn's face contorts beautifully in pleasure, eyes screwing up, mouth parted. he makes soft noises, coming apart at the stroke of harry's hand, spilling over harry's fingers with a quiet whimper. 

"jesus, zayn where the fuck did you learn how to do that?" he asks his mate when he's come down. zayn blushes deeply, smile quiet. 

"dunno, practice i guess?" 

\--

they're plastered. sitting around louis' bedroom on the floor, piled on top of each other. they're plastered except for liam and bored and it's often not a good combination but today they're taking it easy, entertaining themselves with a simple game of superlatives. 

"best titties?" niall slurs, eyes closed, head leaning on liam lightly. 

"louis," zayn answers promptly, earning himself a shove from the right. 

"best shag?" 

 

"wayne wazik," harry says instantly, at the same time louis says 

"harry fucking styles." harry raises his eyebrow at him. 

"how would you know, tomlinson?" harry accuses him. louis shrugs. 

"just figured, with the amount of times you go about it, you better be good." harry laughs at that, head back. 

"no no, it's definitely zayn, trust me on this one," harry says. they turn to study zayn who is blushing profusely, avoiding eye contact. 

"shut up haz s'not true."

"how'd _you_ know?" liam asks harry suspiciously, and zayn looks up instantly, expression in his eyes unreadable and harry thinks _oh._

"because," harry says, keeping his voice casual, "we had a one off a while back. and he was really good." harry says, a small smirk on his lips. 

" _harry_ ," zayn says, at the same time liam makes a disbelieving noise under his breath. they all turn to zayn and he shrugs feebly. 

"s'not true," he mumbles helplessly, 'i'm just. i haven't really -" 

harry cuts him off with a roll of his eyes but doesn't say anything more. as he takes in zayn's loaded gaze, though, a plan starts to build slowly in his head, and he shoots him a smirk that clearly spells trouble. 

\--

of _course_ louis has more questions, to which harry is happy to provide answers. they're chatting about it around the refreshments table provided for them at their current interview ("cheap sandwiches and knock off orange juice _again_?" "shuddup lou, don't be such a diva") when harry notices liam coming up to fill his plate. he raises his voice a tad bit. 

"he's beautiful, lou," harry says, trying without success to flatten out his smirk as he sees liam's ears perk up. "and fucking brilliant with his tongue. i almost wish he fancied me. or didn't fancy anyone so that we could continue to have it off together."

"he fancies someone?" liam cuts in, hand suspended halfway towards a turkey roll. 

"close your mouth, li," harry giggles, "why is it weird that zayn fancies someone? his bloody tweets practically give him away." 

louis nods besides harry. 

"romantic sod," he says fondly. liam glowers at harry. 

"it's not that - i just. i didn't even know he liked guys." 

"is that a problem?" louis asks immediately, stiffening slightly and standing up straighter. 

"shut up, no of course not," liam assures him and louis relaxes immediately, returning to his lazy smile.

"well he's definitely been having a lot of practice with -" 

" _harry_ ," liam hisses, tips of his ears turning red. "it's inappropriate -" 

"what's inappropriate," zayn asks curiously, coming up behind liam and grabbing a plate. 

"we're talking about the quality of your fellatio," louis responds promptly.

zayn drops his plate.

"fuck, you guys are -" 

"do _not_ lump me in with them," harry says indignantly and liam squawks. 

" _what_ i didn't say _any_ thing zayn - those two are -" liam fumbles for an explanation and harry shakes his head in disbelief. zayn keeps his eyes averted and his mouth shut as he plays with the worn cuffs of his sweatshirt. liam's sweatshirt, if harry remembers correctly. he rolls his eyes, exchanges looks with louis, who's eyes are narrowed in a suspiciously cognizant way. suddenly they widen. 

"you've _got_ to be kidding me," he says to harry, ignoring the presence of their oblivious bandmates. harry shrugs. he can't believe it either. 

"trust me, i know." 

"know what?" liam asks, eyes darting between the two of them. zayn mumbles something about grabbing something to clean the mess he's made and louis and harry both ignore liam in favor of communicating in their _no words_ way. 

_does liam know, do you think?_ louis asks and harry makes his face skeptical.

_of course not. liam's got his head in the clouds for this sort of thing._ louis sighs, exasperated. 

_you're right of course_. 

_aren't i always_? harry smirks. he lets his face take on a mischievousness that never ends well. _oh but we should do something about it._ louis's face has already turned devious in agreement and harry can't help but grin. 

"you were always my favorite you know?" he says out loud for liam's benefit. 

"oh god," liam mutters, resignation clear in the way he drops his hands. 

\--

turns out they've already got the ball rolling though. a couple mornings later harry makes his way down to the lobby unusually early to find liam sitting there, mood sour because, harry assumes, he's worried the other boys are going to be late. 

normally, harry would ignore liam's sensibleness in favor of sustenance but today liam seems tetchier than usual, and upon further examination he finds the dark circles under liam's eyes to be more pronounced and his movements to be more jittery. 

"what's wrong, li?" he asks, mild concern for his mate tapering his rough morning voice. liam runs a hand through his hair crossly. 

"nothing," he mutters. harry raises an eyebrow. 

"clearly," harry drawls. liam looks up at him sharply. 

"fine. this was clearly your point anyway. god you and louis can be so -" 

"ah, yes," harry says, unable to keep the amusement out of his smirk, "we _are_ brilliant. remind me, what have we done this time?" 

"your fucking going on about _zayn_ and his. well. i can't stop fucking _thinking_ about it." harry's eyes widen in surprise. liam tugs at his hair agitatedly but it only adds to harry's glee. 

"oh this is _too good_ ," harry practically squeals. "tell me, does the thought of us together consume your every waking moment? do we saunter into your dreams in the -" he cuts off at the way liam's face pales. "oh my god. we do! you're - you're _dreaming_ about us? bloody hell li, this is _brilliant_ -" 

"not about you!" liam cuts him off hastily, "not about - _zayn_. just. about a guy. and well. stuff." 

"jesus, how long has it been since you've gotten laid?" 

"well danielle and i broke up like, six months ago and - oh shut _up_ harry, this is horrible!" harry raises his eyebrows. 

"why? s'just a few dreams liam." 

"i've never," liam stutters. "i've never dreamt about - about a _boy_ ," he finishes in a hushed voice and harry laughs out loud. 

"s' _alright_ lee-yum, christ. loosen up." liam blushes. 

"fuck off," he mumbles and harry considers him. 

"well you know what the solution is, don't you," harry says slowly. liam looks up at him questioningly and harry's face splits into a slow grin. "see if reality s'as good as the dream." 

\--

it's late and they've all agreed to gather in zayn's room because he ended up with the biggest and the best view, and harry's about to knock but the door's already been cracked open and there's a furtive conversation going on inside so naturally harry makes himself invisible to take a peek. 

"it's just - i haven't been able to get it out of my mind and i thought that maybe since you - with harry - you could maybe. with me." liam's talking fast and low and harry couldn't be more delighted until he notices the way zayn's face pales considerably and the way his expression reveals sharp fear before it goes blank and harry turns away from the door, right into louis's observant gaze. 

"jesus, lou, scared the crap out of me," he mutters. 

"so maybe that wasn't such a good idea, huh," louis muses, and harry slumps against the wall. 

"fuck," he runs a hand through his hair. "what have i _done_."

\--

harry decides to keep an eye on zayn after that, figure out what damage he's caused. and, who knows, maybe it was a trick of the light that painted fear on zayn's face, because it's just a one off right? surely zayn isn't that gone for liam that he's afraid of a one off with him. 

but zayn's started smoking again. not that he ever stopped, really, but the boys and paul and doniya had worked him down to just one or two a day, and now he's fiending again, going up to paul with a hand behind his head and a lighter in the other, voice sheepish when he asks for a cigarette break at least ten times a day. 

finally, when zayn's smoked his way through three packs in as many days, harry follows him out, determined.

"i'm fine," zayn says pre-emptively, lighting his cig on the inhale, savoring the first drag. harry raises his hands up in denial but zayn shakes his head. "you're not exactly subtle, haz. s'probably why the larry stylinson fans are all in a titter -" 

" _zayn_ ," harry implores. if harry has to be honest then so does zayn, "c'mon," his eyes flicker from the pack of cigs back up to zayn, "i know something's up." zayn sighs. 

"fine," he says resignedly, flicking his fag carelessly. he takes another drag, closing his eyes around it. "because of your stupid stories about my _talents_ in bed, liam's asked that i. help him discover his sexuality. or something." 

"oh," is all harry can say, voice small. 

"i feel rather like a common whore," zayn says almost wistfully, so softly harry almost doesn't catch it and he thinks that, maybe, those words weren't even meant for him. zayn laughs a little louder, edgy and cruel. "m'not even that good," he says, voice harsh, and harry's almost sure he's talking to himself now. 

there's a silence between them that has harry feeling a little sick. he wants to close the distance between them, but zayn is miles away, alone with his thoughts and acrid smoke solace and harry doesn't know how to bring him back. 

"what did you say, then?" harry asks quietly, when he can't take it any longer. zayn starts slightly, as if he's forgotten harry's there, takes his time turning back to him. harry feels himself being studied and he tries to keep his features innocent.

"i won't make the mistake of underestimating you harry," zayn says quietly, "you know very well i can hardly refuse liam anything." harry clears his throat when the guilt slams back against him. 

"so. have you - ?" harry asks carefully. zayn snorts, turns back to the railing and his cig for a moment. 

"no," he says finally. "we haven't. but we will. when he gets the courage to touch me, i suppose," he muses and it's cold and calculated and it cuts at harry's insides. 

"you don't have to do this, zayn," harry tries, _begs_ even.  

"no," zayn agrees dully, "you're right, i don't. that's the saddest part, isn't it? i'll take what i can get." 

\--

"have you seen zayn?" harry asks louis, tugging at his sleeve almost desperately. louis rolls his eyes at harry. 

"this getting a bit ridiculous haz. you're not his fucking nanny, you can't keep him in your sight at all times."

"i can _try_ ," harry cries. "c'mon lou, you know why i'm doing this. i've got to stop them from. you know." 

"fucking?" louis asks crassly. harry sighs. 

"yes!" louis just shakes his head. 

"you're an idiot, harry," louis says, and harry can only detect a small amount of fondness and it makes him more frantic. 

"nialler," he practically pounces when niall joins them. "have _you_ seen zayn?" niall shoots him a look. 

"yeah, i have actually," he says a bit crossly. "saw him leave liam's room awhile back. just shoved right past me like i was nothing." 

"oh _fuck,_ " harry moans, "where'd he go?" niall stares at him like he's got three heads. 

"how should i know?" he mutters. 

"fuck, alright, thanks for your help. you're lovely," he plants a sloppy kiss on niall's forehead and practically runs out of the room. 

zayn's not in his own room, harry's certain because he nicked zayn's spare key from paul earlier that day, and he's not out back smoking by the employee entrance, and he's not left the hotel according to security and harry's actually getting worried. 

and then he spots him at the hotel bar. and. _fuck_. 

he tries to be as quiet as he can in his approach, has this ridiculous idea that zayn will flee at the sight of him, but zayn's ready for him, has a small ugly smile waiting. 

"hello harry," zayn slurs, not even turning to look at him. "come to find your sob story?" harry swallows nervously. 

"zayn, c'mon, let's get out of here. maybe you've had enough, yeah?" harry encourages, tries to keep the tremor out of his voice. he lays a hand on zayn's shoulder but zayn lashes out. 

"don't touch me," he warns, "don't," he swings his arm out, eyes still on his drink, "touch me." 

"alright, alright," harry says soothingly. "i'm just gonna sit, yeah? i'm just gonna sit with you." 

"fine. bartender. bartender! can we get this man a drink?" harry just shakes his head discreetly at the man behind the bar, and he nods, pours him a glass of water. "i gave him the best blow job of his life, did you know?" zayn continues, gestures sloppy, "and now i am buying him a drink. what a fucking _gentleman_ i am. aren't i harry? hazza? c'mon. i swallowed didn't i? a gentleman always swallows innit?" his face turns serious, "i swallowed for liam too," he tells his drink, face twisted cruelly and harry's _lost,_ "i swallowed for him too but _he_ probably thinks that makes me a proper _slut_." the word sounds ugly in zayn's mouth and harry flinches away from it. "oh dear hazza, have i offended you? don't worry, haz, s'not _you_ who's the slut. s'me. haven't you heard? i give blowjobs to anyone who asks. i -. _fuck_." and suddenly he's sobbing, fingernails digging into the palms of his hand as he hunches over. he lays a hard punch to the expensive wood of the countertop and harry hears a crack. 

"fuck, zayn!" harry cries out anxiously, "c'mon, s'alright. please don't -" unsure of where to put his hands, he clenches them together tightly. zayn is already shaking his head, hand fisting in his hair, _pulling_. 

"he kissed me, harry," zayn's voice is broken, _destroyed,_ and tears run down his cheeks and harry has never seen anyone so distraught. "he kissed me like i was. like i. i had him begging for it. i did. but he was. god he was perfect. i've never felt so _loved_. so _safe_ ," he spits out the words, "and i thought he felt it too, harry, i thought it _meant something_ to him. god i'm such an idiot. what a _trip_." 

"how do you - how do you know it didn't?" harry asks cautiously. zayn laughs a small self-deprecating laugh. 

"he kicked me out. fucking thanked me for my time. and told me i should leave. i'd hardly gotten my kit back on and he was shoving me out the fucking door. _fuck_." he downs his drink, waves over the bartender. the bartender glances at harry but zayn growls. "fuck off, i'm of age and he's not my father. _another_." he bangs his glass on the table and the bartender shrugs, sends harry a significant look and gets zayn his drink. 

zayn wipes his tears roughly, winces when pressure lands on his bad hand. 

"please zayn, let's go upstairs," harry whispers pleadingly. "c'mon -" 

"i hafta finish my drink," zayn slurs, gulping it down and grimacing at the sting. 

"please zayn?" harry asks softly, his own eyes bright with tears. he hesitates and then tugs lightly at zayn's elbow. zayn turns to him for the first time and suddenly he just seems _exhausted_. 

"yeah, alright," he says tiredly. he tries to get up but he stumbles and harry catches him with strong arms, shifts him so he can half carry his weight. 

"you can bill room 1024," harry tells the bartender over his shoulder, giving him his own room number. the bartender nods. 

"good luck wi' 'im," he says quietly. harry nods his thanks. 

they make their way slowly back to the hotel room, zayn stumbling constantly, mumbling under his breath, and harry catches _liam_ and _love_ and he so desperately wants this to be a dream. 

"c'mon zayner," he says forcing his voice into calm, once they've gotten into the elevator. "we're almost there." 

harry leads him to his own room, fumbles with the keycard for a moment and zayn looks up briefly from his slump. 

"s'not my room," he mumbles. 

"yeah, i know. you'll stay with me tonight, yeah?" 

"yeah," he nods heavily, "you wan' a blow job? free of charge." 

"oh _zayn_ ," harry whispers, heartbrokenly. "please don't do this." he finally unlocks the door and pulls zayn through. zayn's _gone_ , almost half asleep with drunkenness, and harry leads him to the bed, strips him of his shirt and shoes and tucks him under the covers. he fills a glass of water for him and lays it on his bedside table and then settles in beside him in bed, folding long legs underneath the thick blanket. 

when he reaches across zayn to shut off the lamp zayn tugs at his shirt with his good hand, pulls him forward. harry only realizes at the last second what zayn's intent is and he turns his face with a noise that doesn't quite leave his throat. zayn isn't discouraged, just nibbles on his earlobe, lays a kiss to the skin there that has harry muffling a groan into zayn's neck. 

"zayn," harry's voice breaks as zayn presses light kisses down the arch of harry's neck, and it might be that the memory of him is still fresh in harry's mind or it might just be that it's been way too long but harry's body's reacting against his will and harry shudders, tries to pull away. "zayn, don't." 

"c'mon haz," zayn hums, cupping harry's face with a small hand, "i know you want this, i can _feel_ you." harry moans brokenly when zayn catches skin between his teeth. 

"n-no," harry stutters, even as he rolls his hips into zayn's. "we - we can't." 

"c'mon," zayn breathes, "i was good for you last time, yeah? i'll be good again, haz, c'mon. just tell me what you want." and he'd be impossible to resist if his words weren't slurred and his breath colored with the bitter smell of liquor but now - harry forces himself away. 

"i just want to hold you, zayn, that's all," he whispers, "can i?" zayn stares at him blankly for a moment, and then he goes limp, arm falling heavily to the side. he manages a slow nod, turning his face away and closing his eyes. harry moves off him, turns him back so that he can lean his head against harry's chest. "is this alright?" he asks tentatively. zayn just slings an arm around harry's waist in response. 

harry waits until zayn's breathing's gone deep and the lines in his face have evened out before he lets himself cry, silent sobs and tremors he can't stop.

"i am so sorry zayn," he says over and over into zayn's hair, "you're not - you're not a slut. i love you so much and so does liam and so do louis and niall. i'm so sorry you're hurting zayn, i am so sorry, please please forgive me." 

it's only when the first rays of sun break through clouds that he's able to find peace.

\--

harry is jolted awake by a whimper of pain. he sits up to find zayn's swaying at the edge of the bed, clutching his right hand tightly. 

"harry," zayn is pleading, "make it stop. make it go away, it hurts so bad." his words are blurry and harry realizes with a sinking feeling that he's probably still drunk. _fuck_ , that means no pain killers. harry runs a hand through his hair and then springs to action. 

"s'okay, zayn, hang in there, m'gonna call paul ok?" he tries to console, fumbling to find his phone in the late morning. 

"paul? zayn's here with me. he's. he's hurt his hand. no, it's bad. we need you, you have to come fast," harry tosses the phone on his bed and turns his attentions to zayn. "hey can i see?" 

zayn whimpers again, looks the other way as he extends his hand gingerly to harry, the alcohol making his movements pliant and childlike. the hand is twisted slightly and harry's afraid to touch, wonders how much zayn drank to mask the pain for so long. 

"paul's going to be here any minute," harry soothes, hand gripping at the nape of zayn's neck. zayn makes a noise of protest, turns into harry's neck, tears squeezing past his closed eyes. 

"he's going to yell at me," zayn slurs and harry shakes his head, kisses zayn's forehead. 

"i won't let him, ok? i promise." 

"harry? what's going on?" paul asks, entering the room. he's followed by -

"what are you doing here?" harry hisses, standing to cross the room. liam's eyes widen innocently and harry has an urge to punch the expression right off his face. 

"i was with paul, we were talking logistics for the next few days. harry what is going on?" liam asks.

"i'd like to know," paul echoes. he's kneeling next to zayn examining his hand and he turns to harry, eyes narrowed. "i'm no doctor, but it seems to me he's fractured his hand. and _bloody hell_ harry is he still drunk?" 

"hazza," zayn pleads and harry returns to him, sits beside zayn so he can tuck himself into harry. 

"s'alright zayn. it's gonna be ok -" he turns to paul. "he had a lot to drink last night, paul, i dunno how much. i found him like this at the hotel bar. he was angry and upset about - about something and he punched the countertop. i dunno what to do because we can't give him painkillers and -" harry swipes angrily at a rogue tear. 

"we can't take him to the hospital like this. m'gonna phone the doctor, get him to come in and set his hand. he'll have to deal with the pain, harry, i'm sorry." he hesitates, considers the two of them. "should i ask someone to come in? talk to zayn? when he's sober i mean." 

"what - like a _shrink_?" harry asks incredulously. zayn whimpers, tries to crawl further into harry, "paul - " 

"he's been off for days, harry, c'mon," paul says quietly, "don't think i haven't noticed too." 

"i - " paul just sighs. 

"we'll discuss it alright? when he's sober." he takes one last look at zayn. "s'gonna be alright, kid," he says gruffly. zayn just nods, gaze distant and unfocused. 

"thanks, paul, please hurry," harry speaks up for them both.

when paul steps out to make the calls, liam comes closer. 

"what _happened_ harry?" liam whispers. harry fights to keep his tone neutral. 

"i think you'd better go," harry tells him quietly. zayn clutches tighter at harry with his good hand. 

"zayn?" liam ignores harry. he kneels down in front of them and swipes a thumb across zayn's knee gently. 

zayn recoils from the touch like he's been burned. 

"go on," harry says not unkindly, instinctively apologetic at the way liam's face falls. liam just nods. 

"yeah alright," he says hoarsely. he takes one last look at zayn, and harry sees a heartbreak in his eyes that he doesn't understand but he doesn't get a chance to question it because paul's back. 

"the doc should be here any second. where are you going, liam?" paul asks incredulously. liam just shakes his head, pushes past him. 

"for chrissake, harry, _what is going on_?" 

\--

they set his hand and through it all zayn sobs with the pain of it, the haze of liquor ruining any chance at decorum. harry clutches at him and sends the doctor stern looks every time zayn lets out a particularly distressed whimper but the doctor looks just as helpless as harry feels. 

"he _should_ have been brought to the hospital," he glances sternly up at paul, " and he should be given something for the pain but his BAC is just too high. i'm sorry son." 

when he's done as best he can under the circumstances and zayn's fingers are set in a brace, he turns to paul. 

"let him rest as best he can for a few hours. i'll come back with a breathalyzer and some oxycontin. if his BAC is within range we can help numb the pain, alright? and paul," he clutches a hand to the man's shoulder, "i know you work these boys hard, but maybe you should cancel their day. looks like they've got some things they need to sort." paul nods solemnly and the doctor takes his leave. 

harry stays with zayn, helps him lay back down and gathers the comforters around him when everyone leaves, sings softly to him under his breath nonsense words when he doesn't know the lyrics. they fall asleep like that, harry nestled into zayn's chest, hand clutching gently where zayn's brace meets skin. 

\--

when harry comes to again, it's to louis' warm smile.

"hey," louis smiles encouragingly, tugging at one of harry's curls. harry smiles weakly at him. 

"can you -" he can't bring himself to complete the request but louis gets it, moves closer to gather harry to his chest tightly. 

"they woke him up before i got here," louis tells him gently, "doc gave him some oxy and he's been knocked out ever since."

"where're niall and liam?" harry asks, relieved that zayn's at least got pain relievers working in his system. 

"we're doing interviews in shifts so that one of us can stay with you. paul's got interviewers coming here if they can and if they do they get two of us." harry nods. 

"smart of him," he says thoughtfully. louis nods. 

"what happened, haz?" he asks carefully. harry closes his eyes. 

"i fucked up, lou. really bad."

"i can't believe that, haz," he consoles gently, swiping at a tear harry hadn't even registered. "just tell me what went on." harry considers the request for only a moment before he acquiesces. after all, there are no real secrets between them. zayn's story is as much louis' as it is harry's. 

so harry tells him. how he found zayn at the bar and the horrible things that came out of his mouth and the way he finally got zayn back to bed. louis sits silently through it all and when he finishes he gives a rough sigh, and rubs at his face gruffly. 

"he should have just said no," louis mutters, "if it was going to cause him to self-distruct like this -" 

"i don't think he could," harry tells louis, "i don't think he knows how to tell liam no. you're not so good at it yourself and you're not in love with him." louis sighs. 

"so that's it then? zayn's sure? he _loves_ liam?" harry stares at louis in disbelief. 

"yeah," he says slowly, "i would say so." louis sighs again, shakes his head in disappointment. harry's confusion grows. "it looks like you're - _blaming_ him for it or something." louis shrugs. 

"i'm not i just -. it complicates things, you know?" 

"zayn didn't ask for this!" harry points out fiercely, voice rising. 

"i know he didn't, but he sure as hell didn't handle it appropriately," louis argues, and suddenly harry is too tired for louis' logic. 

"i'm exhausted lou," he says tiredly, "do you mind if i -" 

"no, of course not," he extracts himself from harry and kisses him gently on the forehead. "i'm sorry that i upset you. i love you. sleep well." 

\--

the next time harry wakes it's to darkness and an empty bed and harry panics until he notices the light's on on the balcony. he wraps the blanket around himself and goes out to join zayn. 

when zayn notices him, he cashes the cig he's holding even though it's only half way out. 

"you had me worried for a moment," harry says quietly. zayn grips the balcony railing tightly with one hand before relaxing again. 

"it's beautiful here isn't?" he gestures to the skyline with a nod, "i mean for a place that's not home -" harry nods but he's watching zayn so he notices only the shiver that runs through him.

"cold?" he asks, not waiting for an answer before slipping the blanket off his shoulders and onto zayn's. zayn clutches at it with his good hand.

"i'm sorry haz," he breathes finally, and there's so much weight in those words that whatever harry had wanted to say dies at the back of his throat. he nuzzles into zayn until zayn chuckles quietly, wraps an arm around harry. 

"i am home," harry tells him softly. and maybe that's enough. 

\--

paul manages to keep their commitments and responsibilities at bay for about a week, but they can't stay in this hotel forever and they all know it. when it comes time for them to head out, harry's in zayn's room, his suitcase and duffel lined up neatly against the door while he lounges in zayn's unmade bed, watching as zayn gets together a few last minute things. 

there's a knock on the door and zayn opens it to find liam there, shifting restlessly from foot to foot. zayn's eyes widen and he bites his lip. 

"hey," liam says finally, he glances to where harry's sitting and then back to zayn, "i was um, wondering if you needed help packing and all," he gestures to zayn's hand with the small cast on it. zayn shrugs, smiles nervously. 

"no i'm, i'm ok. everything's mostly done anyway." 

"at least let me carry your bags down for you," liam tries to smile back but it comes out painful. 

"no it's. i got it, liam, don't worry, i'm fine," zayn says quietly. "i'll see you downstairs, yeah?" 

"right, yeah, of course," liam says, turning to go. harry can almost see the battle that goes on in zayn's head before he opens his mouth once more. 

"hey, liam?" he calls back, liam turns, eyes alight hopefully, "thanks um. thanks for checking." liam's eyes dim somewhat, but he nods at zayn, smile a bit more genuine.

when they're all set to go, harry watches zayn struggle with his luggage for about a second before he's stealing it away. luckily zayn's suitcase is small and he manages to carry two duffels and two suitcases all the way down to the van. 

the expression liam shoots him when they step out of the elevator is unreadable. 

\--

it remains a habit, watching zayn. and maybe he's being silly and maybe after the fourth day that zayn does not spontaneously explode he should let up, but he can't help it, he's _nervous_ for him, like waiting in line for a roller coaster or watching a glass at the edge of a table. 

but zayn seems _fine_ , maybe even is _fine_ , and harry doesn't understand it. after that horrible night, he just, snaps back, seems lighter than he has in days, even stops fiending for smokes. he even agrees to meet with paul and harry about seeing the shrink and when paul suggests zayn talk to someone zayn smiles lazily. 

"i will, if it will put everyone at ease," here he aims a sidelong glance at harry, "i'd be glad to. but i'm fine, paul, i've never felt better." 

\--

when harry finally gathers up the courage to ask zayn about it he's already in bed but now he can't just let it go. he gets up and redresses and knocks on zayn's new hotel door. 

when zayn doesn't answer, harry uses the spare key he nicks from paul on the regular and enters an empty room. his first instinct is to panic but then he notices a sheet of paper on zayn's made up bed and so he takes a deep breath and crosses the room. 

_i'm fine harry_ , the note reads, _stop worrying!!!_ _.. no? well it was worth a try. if you're really that frightened for me, come see for yourself_. 

there's a club listed, and an address that's not far from here so harry sighs, arranges his hair in zayn's mirror and is out the door. 

\--

the club's dimly lit but not overly crowded and harry spots zayn chatting up a pretty blonde girl at the bar. he makes his way over, tries to keep his head down and his dimples in check to avoid recognition.

"zayn, what are you -" zayn smiles up at him, easy and sweet. 

"will you excuse me?" he asks the girl, who nods, kisses him on the cheek and vacates the bar stool. zayn gestures for harry to sit but harry ignores him. 

"are you drinking?" zayn raises an eyebrow. 

"water, harry," he passes the glass under harry's nose.

"...oh," is all harry can say. 

"are you satisfied then?" zayn asks him, clearly amused. 

"no!" harry protests, "m'not! i -. what are you doing here?" zayn laughs. 

"picking up girls, harry, s'what you do at a bar, does that ring any bells for you?" 

"but - why?" harry asks confusedly. 

"because men will draw the band too much unwanted attention if i am recognized," zayn points out reasonably, "and i like girls too?" 

"no, that's not what i meant," harry backtracks, "i thought -" zayn sighs, his face dimming somewhat. 

"harry, liam made it perfectly clear that i have no other choice but to move on. i just need to. get rid of the feel of him on my skin, yeah? and i'm being safe, i promise." 

"zayn -" 

"no, haz, what's the point in waiting for something futile?" zayn interrupts. "and i'm _fine._ better than i've been in ages in fact, because - i got my answer. he doesn't want me, and that hurts, of course it does but. i finally _know_ how the story ends, yeah? _and_ how to start a new one," he quirks a smile, pleased with the metaphor, "now. you can stay and wingman for me, or you can leave on your own. but m'not coming with you, alright? i've been patient with your guard-dog like self for a while now, find it endearing even, but i can pull a girl at a bar every now and then, without you going all super nanny on me, yeah?" 

harry sighs. he knows a warning when he hears one. 

"you obviously don't need a wingman," harry remarks finally, eyeing the recently departed blonde. zayn barks a laugh.

"stay, haz, c'mon. it'll be fun." 

harry does end up staying. mostly he sits quietly, nurses his club soda and lets zayn do the talking. and zayn is _good_ at this. kind and genuine with good taste and an easy air of conversation. harry was right. 

the last thing zayn needs is a wingman. 

he ends up leaving with a tall brunette, hand in the small of her back, wink thrown over his shoulder at harry. harry finds himself grinning back until his teeth hurt. he knows that girl is in for one hell of a night.

\--

zayn continues to go out, and harry doesn't question him, and doesn't join him again either. 

he still watches though, can't seem to help himself. but despite his misgivings, things _do_ go back to normal, and harry has never felt so relieved to be wrong.

\--

they're sitting in the studio together, and it's silent for once as they read through the music they've been given, preparing to sing a song together for the first time. 

harry's distracted. 

" _must_ you stare so intensely, styles?" zayn asks loudly, and he's smirking, the bloody bastard, "you're making me itch." harry blushes when liam and louis look up at them suspiciously. 

harry leans closer to whisper into zayn's ear. 

"you've got _hickies_ , for chrissake, zayn -" zayn laughs, low and delighted. 

"i admit, i _did_ get a bit carried away," he whispers back, "but with good reason, i swear. god harry she was fucking _brilliant_ with her mouth. jesus." harry can't help but chuckle. 

"and i bet you gave as good as you got," he says slyly and zayn blushes crimson. harry throws his head back with laughter and savan glares at him. 

" _harry_ ," he scolds, "focus!" harry's ears heat up and he mouths an apology at savan, elbowing zayn in the ribs when he sniggers. 

\--

"are you and zayn sleeping together?" louis asks him outright. harry looks up from his phone into liam's and louis' serious faces. he laughs. 

"uh, _what_?" 

"you're sleeping together," liam says, and it's not a question anymore and the tone of it makes harry bristle. "you're sleeping together and you told him to stay away from me because you don't want us to mess around again." harry can only stare at him for a moment. 

"do you think maybe he's staying away because you're being a complete _arse_?" harry fumes. 

"hey," louis plays mediator, "just put yourself in liam's shoes for a moment ok? it's wrong of him to jump to conclusions," and he throws a stern look at liam, "but zayn hasn't been himself with liam in weeks. liam misses him, ok haz? that's all." 

harry considers liam suspiciously. 

"he seems fine to me," he says stubbornly. liam fidgets. 

"we don't do zayn and liam things anymore," liam admits quietly. "i'm sorry to take it out on you. i just. i do miss him." 

"fine," harry relents. "he's not sleeping with me, li, promise. although -" he continues thoughtfully, "he _is_ sleeping with like the entire population of women ages eighteen to twenty-four." 

liam winces. 

"he's sleeping around?" harry snorts. 

"well, he's single and he's nineteen years old," harry points out. 

"i'm gonna. i'm gonna go," liam mumbles, tripping over himself on his way out. harry chuckles. 

"what's up with him?" louis sighs. 

"dunno. everyone's being very - complicated." 

"not me," harry pouts. "come cuddle? we haven't. not in a long while -" 

"yeah that's because you're too busy watching zayn," louis mutters. harry laughs out loud. 

"c'mere, lou. missed you." louis grins a boyish grin and harry makes room for him on the chair so louis can squeeze onto his lap and bury his face in harry's neck. 

"missed you too." 

\--

harry's getting dressed when he hears the several obnoxious knocks on his door. he rolls his eyes fondly and opens the door, tugging at his chains over his shirt.

"what's up?" he asks, eyeing louis, liam and niall cautiously. you can never tell with these boys. 

" _nothing_ , that's the problem," groans louis, pushing past harry to collapse on harry's bed. he takes in harry's tight skinnies and unwrinkled shirt. "what are _you_ up to?" he asks, humming appreciatively. harry laughs, ducking his head to muss up his hair and hide his _stupid_ dimpled smile.

"m'gonna go out with zayn tonight i think," he says, grabbing his bracelets and watch from the hotel desk. "s'been too long since i've gotten laid." liam perks up from where he's sitting. 

"can i come?" he asks quietly. the three other boys stare at him, astonished. 

" _you_ want to go out to a club." niall repeats because the room needs clarification. 

"with _zayn_ and _harry_?" louis adds. liam clears his throat. 

"i mean - why not? i am single right? and -" he blushes. "it _has_ been awhile." he mutters. louis guffaws and niall shakes his head adoringly. 

"well, i suppose we could all go -" niall says thoughtfully, but he seems reluctant and louis pulls him close to ruffle his hair. 

"nah, let the three of them go. we'll order in and you can kick my ass at fifa." niall grins at him. 

"you're an angel, lou," niall tells him sweetly. harry snorts. 

"god," he mutters. louis smirks. 

"exactly, haz, exactly." harry rolls his eyes, laughing despite himself. 

"can i, haz?" liam asks again, more tentatively. harry sobers. 

"well i mean -" he stammers, but louis's giving him a stern look so harry sighs, relents. "'course, li, it'll be fun." 

\--

"please don't kill me," harry says when he opens the door to zayn's hotel room, tucking zayn's key back into his pocket. zayn raises an eyebrow. 

"is paul just _giving_ you my key together with yours every night now?" harry blushes. thinks back to this morning when paul had handed him two keys with a roll of his eyes. ("yours is 1520, his is 1522. _try_ not irritate him ok?")

"yeah, actually," he mumbles. zayn laughs, goes back to fixing his hair in the mirror. he looks good tonight, as per usual, donned all black and a small chain for the occasion. zayn smiles at him through the mirror when he notices harry's looking. 

"so why shouldn't i kill you?" harry opens his mouth to answer but there's a knock at the door and zayn's eyes narrow suspiciously. 

"right on time," harry grumbles, tries to throw zayn his most innocent grin. he opens the door to let liam through, is careful _not_ to watch zayn's expression. liam smiles at them hesitantly. 

"you look good," harry whistles in greeting, looking him up and down, and liam blushes. harry thinks he's probably the only person who could pull off a collared shirt at a club. he reaches up to unbutton his top two buttons, feeling zayn's eyes focus in on them. 

"yeah, you do liam," zayn agrees quietly, and harry jumps slightly. he hadn't expected zayn's voice to appear that close. 

"thanks, you too," liam smiles charmingly and harry wonders if that's what zayn sees in him, earnest smiles and disarming innocence. whatever it is it's got harry feeling like a third wheel and he clears his throat, moves away from liam. 

"shall we?" zayn asks, gripping harry's elbow to console his unspoken doubts. harry smiles, instantly at ease. 

"pretentious bastard," harry laughs. "let's blow this popsicle stand."

\--

zayn's already picked a place for them and he seems at home in it, even though harry doubts he's ever been here before. he signals them to get a table and heads over to the bar to grab drinks. 

harry joins him a few moments later to find he's staring at a glass on the bar top. 

"that's an actual drink," harry points out dumbly. zayn nods, he's clutching the table top tightly and harry watches the muscles in his throat work as he swallows hard and then tips the drink back all at once. 

"it's just -" zayn breaks off, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, "he's _here_ you know. i just needed something to take the edge off." harry stares at him in wonderment.

"you've had me fooled, malik" he scolds softly, "i thought - but. you're not ok, are you?" and zayn sighs, turns to harry with a desperate look in his eye. 

"i'm sorry haz. i'm trying, i swear." harry cups the back of his neck roughly. 

"can we get two tequila shots over here?" he asks the bartender over the noise. the man raises an eyebrow. 

"you look not five minutes older than sixteen, kid." zayn dissolves into laughter, throwing his head back with the force of it and harry blushes indignantly, fishing into his back pocket for his wallet. 

"fuck _off_ ," he mutters at zayn when two minutes have passed and he still hasn't stopped laughing. they take their tequila shots together with their arms linked, limes at the ready and then zayn gets up, disappears onto the crowded dance floor with a sway in his step and a glint in his eye. harry follows him until he can't keep track of him anymore, and then he's pulling a beautiful, leggy blonde flush against him, appreciating the curve of her ass against his groin and her slightly unsteady rhythm. 

\--

he's lost track of the songs they've danced when he finally breaks away. he stumbles back towards liam, who's sitting at their table drinking what looks to be a coke and rum. 

he slides into the booth next to liam sprawling out so their limbs intertwine and stealing liam's drink for a swig. he wrinkles his nose. 

"is there any rum in this?" he asks incredulously. liam shrugs. 

"no, why would there be? s'just a coke." harry stares at him. 

"i thought you wanted to pull tonight," he asks carefully. liam looks away.

"i did." harry follows his line of gaze straight to where zayn is dancing with a petite brunette, leaning in to kiss her neck and run his hands along her waist. 

"what are you doing, liam?" liam digs the heels of his hands into his eyes. 

"i don't _know_ , harry, alright? what do you want me to say?" 

"jesus," harry mutters frustratedly. "this is _ridiculous_ , li." 

"fuck off alright? i don't know what to _do_ or what i did to make him mad and it's driving me up a wall." 

"he's not mad at you -" 

"we fool around and then he ends up with a fractured hand and a hangover that lasts three days. and he hasn't spoken a proper word to me since. i'm not a complete idiot harry, despite what _you_ may think." 

"what's that supposed to mean?" 

"well i mean he _did_ end up in your bed about five seconds after he was in mine -" 

"vas happeninnn?!" they both look up to find zayn grinning down at them. he's brought along the girl from the dance floor and she smiles prettily at them, fingers tucked loosely into zayn's. liam looks away, mutters something under his breath, and harry just sighs, tries to smile. 

"you about to head out?" he asks zayn, nodding at the girl. zayn's expression has become shuttered at their reactions and he frowns, leans over to whisper something to the girl. she looks confused but she doesn't ask any questions, just nods and heads towards the door. zayn watches her for a moment before turning back to them. 

"what's going on here?" zayn asks tiredly. liam and harry both shrug. 

"nothing," harry speaks up finally, "liam's just being a complete tosser -" 

"fuck _off_ harry," liam mutters, crossing his arms. 

"harry," zayn says sternly. "just let it go, alright? i understand what you're doing but. it's _over_. it has been for a long time. it's time you come to terms with it. i have." he tries bravely to smile at liam. "ignore harry, alright? he's just cranky and tired from the day, i'm sure of it. have a good night you two, i'm out." he ruffles harry's hair and turns on his heel. 

harry turns reluctantly back to liam to find his friend's looking at him in a completely different light now, eyes wide, mouth downturned. 

"oh harry," liam murmurs, frown etched with sympathy. harry stares at him blankly, runs through the last conversation in his head. _oh_. 

"liam, it's not what it sounded like, i swear i -" liam shakes his head, slings an arm around harry's shoulder. 

"it's _okay_ , harry. it's just me, you can tell me anything. i understand, probably more than i should," he flushes slightly but meets harry's gaze with an emotion behind his eyes that makes harry swallow. 

"liam i swear -" 

"it's hard, you know? to love someone who doesn't love you. and to watch him sleep around -" liam breaks off, bites his lip, "it's fucking painful." he mumbles quietly after a moment. harry studies him and liam offers him a sheepish smile. "told you, i get it, harry. zayn's. well. he's extraordinary, and beautiful and hard _not_ to love." harry's eyes widen. 

"you - _really_?" harry asks and liam rushes to deny it but his blush is all the answer harry needs. "liam this is _ridiculous._ zayn is -"

"yours, i promise," liam interrupts him. "i won't get in the way, haz, you have my word. s'not like he ever really wanted me anyway. _i_ was the one who asked _him_ and he barely speaks to me now so -." harry wants to bang his head on the table.  

" _liam_ , you're not listening to me. zayn and i fooled around _once._ but -"

"stop haz, please can we -" he breaks off, pinches the bridge of his nose and when he looks up at harry again he's got pain in his eyes, clear as day. "we won't fall out over this, alright? even when he returns to his senses and comes back to you. and he will, haz, how could he not? but can we - can we not talk about it? i just. i need some time." harry wants to shake him into understanding but there's real hurt under his words and so he reigns in his frustration with a muttered curse. 

"alright li, m'sorry. let's just go home yeah?" liam looks up at their surroundings as if he'd forgotten where they were, despite the harsh thrum of bass that has punctuated their conversation. 

"yeah, i'd like that, thanks," he smiles shakily at harry and harry interlaces their fingers under the table before letting go and moving out of the booth. liam smile grows stronger and he leans into harry all the way back to their hotel. 

\--

harry decides it's probably for the best that he stops watching zayn, stops latching onto him like he'll disappear in the next moment if he doesn't. he spends more time with louis and niall and louis's happy to have him back, starts saving him seats in interviews again and crashing on his bed. liam stays cautious with him, draws a very distinct line between them that harry _hates_. he tries to tell liam, tries to set him straight, but liam gets a panicked look every time he's alone with harry, makes hurried excuses and harry's forced to find louis, who never fails to calm him down. 

but sometimes, when he's spacing out between interviews or on long bus rides, memories from that night at the hotel bar creep in, bring back a cold sweat, and he glances around desperately for zayn, seeks the comfort of a small hand graze or a warm smile to know that he's still _there_ , heart beating. 

but mostly he keeps a space between their energies, avoids the knowing glances and the tiny smirks they used to share. and it worries him, yeah, because zayn's not as fine as harry once thought but. it's for the best, he convinces himself. it is. 

\--

there's a knock on harry's door and harry's too comfortable in bed with his laptop and a movie to bother getting up so he just shouts for them to come in, hopes they hear him. 

it's zayn who enters and harry beams at him, hits pause and sets the movie aside. 

"hey, thought you'd be going out tonight," harry says, zayn shrugs. 

"thought i'd stay in actually, can i chill here?" harry grins at him. 

"yeah, course, as long as you don't insult my taste in movies," he makes room for him and draws the covers back so zayn kicks off his shoes and slides in. "m'watching ruby sparks, it just started." zayn stifles a laugh and harry rolls his eyes. "oh you can fuck right off, i loved little miss sunshine." 

zayn shakes his head, smiling small and sincere at harry and harry smiles right back. then a flicker of doubt appears in zayn's eye and he frowns slightly, as if suddenly remembering something. 

"you're not angry with me, are you?" zayn asks, voice carefully casual. harry snorts. 

"absolutely furious. in fact this," he gestures to the way their feet have intertwined, "is the usual routine i've got for people i positively loathe." zayn laughs, shoves at him slightly with a shoulder. 

"i dunno, you just've seemed more faraway recently. i wanted to make sure." 

"figured i could trust you not to go on a bender by now, decided to let you breathe a little," he hesitates, catches zayn's eye so he knows zayn's listening to what he's about to say, "maybe make room for someone else." zayn considers him. 

"what are you trying to say?" harry shrugs. he doesn't want to give it away, thinks liam will probably kill him and besides, zayn will appreciate it more if he hears it straight from the source. 

"m'just saying, some people might have gotten the wrong idea about us. you know." zayn looks skeptical but harry doesn't further the point, just hits play and settles in for the movie. zayn's asleep about five minutes in. he's always had abysmal taste in cinema. 

\--

the world has it in for them, harry decides when he blinks his eyes blearily to find liam standing above them. he's blushing profusely and there's hurt in his eyes that he's trying bravely and failing miserably to hide and when harry tries to search his gaze, figure out what's wrong, liam averts his eyes. 

and then harry regains the feeling in his other limbs and notices the heat of another body in bed with him, sleeping soundly. 

"fuck, li, i can explain," harry says hurriedly but liam holds up a hand to cut him off. 

"you don't need to, haz. it's like i said, he was always yours," he tries for a smile and it comes out shaky and sad and harry has never hated himself more than he does right now. "i just came to wake you. interview's in an hour, breakfast's downstairs." 

"liam - wait, i - " but liam has crossed the room in three strides, and is out the door before harry can get another word in. harry sighs and turns to zayn, wonders how he ever got himself caught in this shit show. he wipes the sleepies out of his eyes and shoves at zayn. 

"c'mon," he chides when zayn groans and turns over, "interview's in an hour. up and at 'em." zayn groans again, pushes up to stare at harry and then face plant back in his pillow on a whine. then he lifts up again. 

"do we have time for - " he waggles his eyebrows suggestively and harry smacks him lightly. 

"shut up zayn. don't be a shit," harry snaps. zayn stares at him. 

"i - sorry. i was - " 

"using me? because you can't have what you want?" harry supplies. zayn at least has the decency to look miserable. 

"sorry haz," he murmurs gently, sitting up and wrapping his arms around harry's waist childishly. "don't be mad at me please." harry sighs.

"i just don't want you ruining things for yourself, zee," harry says. zayn looks at him confusedly but harry can't give him the answers he's looking for so he just shakes his head, extricates himself from zayn's arms as gently as he can.

"m'gonna shower, you always hog the hot water." 

and that's that. 

\--

it's early morning and there's an unsettling feeling running through harry's blood that leaves him uneasy and paranoid, so he does the only thing he can do. he goes to louis. when louis answers the door, eyelids droopy and sleep sloppy harry already feels slightly better. louis raises a disgruntled eyebrow but harry ignores it, just runs himself into louis, wraps his arms around him and breathes in his warm familiar scent. it takes louis a moment but then he wraps his arms around harry's waist and harry sighs into him. 

"hi," he mumbles into louis' neck. louis just laughs. 

"c'mon babe, let's get you back into bed," he smiles, tugging at harry's belt loop. harry's more than happy to follow him but then louis stops in his tracks, harry still halfway in the doorframe. 

"what -?" harry whines, but louis shushes him distractedly. 

"do you _hear_ that?" he asks quietly. harry tries to push away the bedhead fog and pay attention. and then he does hear something -

"is that -" 

"shouting, yeah." they both look at each other and louis mutters a curse and then grabs his hand. he bangs on zayn's door loudly, but the door beside his opens instead and niall peeks out. 

"niall did you -?" harry asks, but niall's eyes are already wide and fearful and he nods. 

"yeah," he whispers hoarsely. "it's liam. he's in there with zayn." 

"what the _fuck_ ," harry groans and louis resumes banging on the door until harry comes to his senses. 

"no no wait," he fumbles with his wallet for zayn's key and louis snatches it and turns the lock. 

they barge in to find zayn out of bed and dressed only in pajama pants slung low on his hips, arms hugging his chest in defense, eyes bright with tears. liam's fuming, chest heaving, face red. and on the bed, there's a boy harry's never seen before. harry guesses from the state of things that he's even less dressed than zayn. 

"what the fuck is going on here," louis growls and harry is so so grateful because he doesn't have any words. liam turns to them, finger pointed. 

" _he_ brought a boy home. to our _hotel_. in front of the hundreds of fans waiting for us outside. a _boy_. one snapped picture and -" 

"i'm sorry," zayn begs. " i was discrete, li, i swear. i never meant -" 

" _don't_ apologize to him," harry spits out and zayn shakes his head. 

"no haz, he's right. i was being reckless and i shouldn't have-" but liam cuts him off. 

"no harry, _you're_ right. it's _you_ he should be apologizing to. i dunno what arrangement you two've got and it's none of my business but it can't be easy - " 

"liam, shut up," niall interjects calmly. "hey listen, whatsyername. hey sorry about all this mate. can we call you a cab? maybe get you some breakfast." the rest of them turn with some surprise to the forgotten boy in bed who blushes, pulls the covers up higher. 

"aiden," he says softly, "and yeah, a cab would be great, thanks." 

zayn crosses to him with a t-shirt and jeans and smiles miserably at him. 

"i'm so sorry for all this, aid, i -" aiden shakes his head.

"s'not your fault," he sends a sharp glare liam's way and takes his clothing from zayn and pulls himself out of bed. when he's dressed, he cups zayn's face tenderly, pulls him close by the waist and kisses him softly. "you know where to find me now, yeah? i'll be back in chicago next week. we can go back to that club we liked with those dancers -" he trails off wistfully and zayn offers him a steadier smile, steeples their foreheads together for a moment before pulling away and nodding. 

"thanks, mate," he says. harry does not fail to notice the way liam stiffens. 

when he's gone, louis turns back to liam, anger back full force. niall's gotten off the phone with paul, harry guesses and now he cross the room to stand in between them, places a hand on liam's chest to soften the blow. 

"now _please_ tell me what the fuck is going on here," louis asks, and harry can see the shred of control louis fights for in the tension of his body. "harry? what's this about an arrangement?" harry buries his face in the palm of his hand.

"there _is no arrangement lou_ ," harry begs him to understand. "liam thinks we're sleeping together, but we're _not_. we're not together at all," he punctuates every last word, stares hard at liam. liam just stares back at him and for a moment no one says anything, and then from the side someone lets out a small cough. 

"it's true, li," zayn speaks up timidly, "there's nothing going on between harry and i." harry shoots him a grateful smile. liam looks unconvinced but he just sighs.

"i just. i don't think he should be bringing back boys into our hotel," he says slowly. 

"are you _listening to yourself_ liam? so we lose a small following. i say good _bloody_ riddance," louis growls. harry lays a gentle hand on louis' arm, tries to pull the tension from him. 

"are you alright, zayn?" niall asks quietly. zayn nods. 

"I'm so sorry guys. i thought i was being careful or i wouldn't have -. i would never do anything to put this band in jeopardy, liam, you have to believe me," zayn implores. 

"liam does believe you, isn't that right liam?" harry interjects, voice borderline nasty. liam looks up at harry, and harry can read the instant when he understands what harry's getting it, and _good_ , at least he's not slow. "in fact, liam's not angry about that at all. he's got a whole other reason to be upset about you bringing people into your bed, boys _or_ girls." liam winces and niall slings an arm around his waist. "tell him, liam," harry commands. "go on. tell him why it is you've caused such a scene today." 

"harry, _please_ ," liam pleads. harry ignores him. 

"he's not angry at you for my sake, he's not worried about our reputation. are you, liam?" 

"harry," liam breathes, "i can't. i - " 

"why are you angry with me?" zayn interrupts, voice soft and hurt and liam turns to him and just like that harry's shut out of this conversation and _about bloody time_ because watching them circle around each other has made him so dizzy. 

"zayn, god. m'not - m'not angry with you, christ," liam takes a step closer to zayn and zayn leans forward. 

"then what is it? you lost it with me just now and you practically kicked me out of your room after we - " zayn breaks off, blushing fiercely, and harry guesses he hadn't meant to let that slip. liam's eyes widen. 

"what? no! you - i didn't - i mean," he glances nervously around the room at his audience but louis crosses his arms firmly, stays put, and harry thinks he's got the right idea. he wants to make _sure_ they don't fuck it up this time. liam seems to realize their intentions because finally, he sighs, continues on in a shaky voice, "that night was. i've never felt that way before about anyone. and. i was embarrassed because you fancied someone else -" 

niall mimics banging his head against the wall and louis groans. 

" _christ_ , liam," he mutters. he only manages to keep some of the affection out of his voice. 

"what?" liam asks, eyes darting between the four of them, confusion tangible. 

"you," harry yells frustratedly when no one speaks. "it was _you_ he fancied." 

they stare at each other for a moment, zayn and liam, liam and zayn. liam's mouth hangs open slightly and zayn's got tears in his eyes and they just _stare_ at each other and for a long moment no one breathes.

 and then zayn's face splits into a beautiful grin, eyes crinkling at the corners, a lone tear escaping.

"liam," zayn breathes out and it sounds like _thank god_ for all the relief zayn's put into it, months and months of pain lifted with two syllables. he closes the distance between them and presses his lips to liam's and liam makes a choked noise and clutches at him, pulls him closer by his waist to melt into the kiss and god but they do look pretty together. louis whistles and niall catcalls but all harry can do is collapse into an armchair in relief. thank _fuck_. 

they only separate when they're gasping for air and still their edges remain blurry where they're pressed together. 

"reckon we should tell them to leave," liam murmurs into zayn, loud enough that the rest of them can hear. zayn smiles. 

"i don't mind an audience," zayn pretends to consider it, "but right now. want you all to myself." and that is the cue for the rest of the room to let out a groan. 

"oh god," niall shakes his head fondly. "harry, what have you _done_?" 


End file.
